as He sculpts my heart...

Purpose.

2012-02-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

I realize that some would give a lot to be in my situation. Even still, there is some difficulty in waking up each morning with no prescribed or pre-defined purpose.

I don't have children; I don't have a job or school; I don't have a significant other. What do I pour myself into? What is my purpose?

Don't misunderstand me. I find plenty to keep me busy. I certainly have goals, intentional pursuits and investments. Yet, simultaneously, about once a week, I find myself feeling as though I lack purpose. No worry....I fully know this isn't true.

But strip away everything that occupies your time, energy, thoughts, money. Remove the things that possess your days and weekends. Get rid of obligations and unfulfilling committments. Take away the things that force you to get out of bed every morning....

Now, what is your purpose?

I'm learning that God, alone, is my purpose. When there is no one and nothing else; when life is in it's most distilled state, here, I find that He is my purpose. He is my one thing. Communion with the Trinity is my one pursuit. I am after that always.

I'm thankful for this season. And I'm grateful for the founding of this core belief. Because at some point, all the other things aren't going to be enough.

I Can't See 6 Inches In Front Of My Face.

2010-09-27T08:05:00.001-07:00

I'm in a good place. Resting in His hands. I feel like I can't see 6 inches in front of my face. You know how when you are in a pitch black room and you can't see your hand when you hold it in front of your face. That is a simile of my life right now. The funny thing is I'm not afraid. I have no anxiety. I get my MCAT scores back in about 2 weeks. I feel like my life is somewhat on hold until then. I have no idea where I will be next month. There are things in my heart, but I don't know where I will be next month or next year. But it is good. Always good....

My hope is in Him. How sweet and how unbelievably soothing it is to know that my future is in the hands of someone who has my absolute best in mind. Someone who has not even the smallest trace of self in mind. Someone who can't lead me wrong...it's not even in His character or person. He can only do good. He only has good things. He only has the best. My future is not even that safe in my own hands. My thoughts are tainted with what I think is best or what I have been conditioned to expect. But He is just so good. Their are few words to describe how unconditional and perfect and kind and unselfish and pure He is. I rest in His goodness. That is where I find my peace. It is so peaceful and restful in His lap, with my future in His hands, not in mine. He is someone you can trust. For He is absolutely safe (not safe in a way that won't stretch or challenge you, but safe in that He always fights for your best - that's what is in His heart for you). The best parents in the world don't even have the capacity to be this good. I can't fully explain it, you have to experience Him in that way personally.

Ask Him to reveal His goodness, His kindness, the absolute way that He is for you.

The Process

2009-12-06T13:47:00.000-08:00

I love the process....

The process is where I draw close to Him.
The process is where I listen for His voice, His whisper.
The process is where I lock my eyes into His.
The process is where He is taking me in.
The process is where I curl up on His lap.
The process is where I let Him love me more.
The process is where I am sensitive to His lead.
The process is where I rest in His presence.
The process is where I encounter His beauty.
The process is where I abandon all for more of Him.
The process is where I seek and know truth.
The process is where He covers me.
The process is where He carries me.
The process is where He is growing me.
The process is where He gives me keys.
The process is where I awaken and find His heart.
The process is where He is making me whole.
The process is where I step into my dreams.
The process is where I am fully me, abiding in Him - alive.

I love the process. It is beautiful. It is priceless. It is pregnant. It is perfect.

The process is me and Him.

2nd Year and Leadership

2009-12-01T12:59:00.000-08:00

The 2nd year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry is quite different from the 1st year. There is, of course, still a supernatural focus - a focus on worship, on the miraculous, on hungering for God and seeking intimacy with the Holy Spirit all the days of your life. Yet, where 1st year stressed identity - knowing who I am in Christ, 2nd year stresses leadership. This year is quite stretching, but I am enjoying the journey. And I'm convinced this is where it becomes a reality. I'm all for dreaming, going after the miraculous and living in the Heavenly realms. But I am a very practical person. We have to learn how to be effective if we are going to change the world, disciple nations, give counsel to kings and leaders, build His Kingdom.

This year I've been learning how to prioritize, how to determine what to say yes or no to, how to juggle projects. The past couple months, I have often felt like I'm drowning. I feel like I am in survival mode; being ruled by my schedule and told what to do by this day's needs and urgencies. I despise the feeling of being bound to that which exerts the most pressure. But the Holy Spirit is so faithful. Through His guidance, I am learning how to rise above to manage myself and my priorities.

Our current school book, Developing the Leader Within You by John C. Maxwell, is complementing the things that God has been naturally teaching me. This book contains a wealth of information. Properly assimilated and applied to daily life, it will change the way you live. Since we are all leaders (because we all influence someone), I highly recommend the book, but until you make time to read it, chew on some key points from the first 2 chapters...

Leadership is influence. Everyone is a leader because everyone influences someone.
The issue is not whether you will influence someone, but what kind of influencer you will be.
When the leader lacks confidence, the followers lack commitment.
You can love people without leading them, but you cannot leaf people without loving them.
A leader is great, not because of his or her power, but because of his or her ability to empower others.
Thinking ahead & prioritizing responsibilities mark the major differences between a leader and a follower.
The discipline to prioritize and the ability to work toward a stated goal are essential to a leader's success.
The ability to juggle three or four high-priority projects successfully is a must for every leader.
Ninety-five percent of achieving anything is knowing what you want.
All true leaders have learned to say no to the good in order to say yes to the best.
A violent demise comes by chasing small ends, by prostituting vast powers for insignificant goals.
Under normal conditions, we are efficient (doing things right). When time pressure mounts or emergencies arise, we becom effective (doing the right things). Efficiency is the foundation for survival. Effectiveness is the foundation of success.

The Dead Raising Team

2009-11-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

This is fabulous and it will break God out of the box you have Him in, not to mention increase the box you are living in. First a little of my thoughts...

Isn't it incredible that we (I am very much included in this) think and expect so little of God? I read the astounding stories of the miraculous throughout the Bible, yet until recently I never expected to see those things in my life. He even tells us that we will do even greater things!! So where is the breakdown in this message? What has caused us to simply gloss over these stories rather then grab onto their truth and go after the supernatural?

I think there are many reasons. Perhaps somewhere along the way we prayed for something miraculous and saw no answer. Since we hate failure and we can't explain why people aren't healed every time they receive prayer, we have retreated. We carry on with our nice, comfortable church life and ignore the things that we can't explain. This is not good and I don't believe it is what God intended. Or maybe we have just subtly been taught out of it without even realizing. I often wonder what a person with no religious knowledge or teaching would expect after reading the Bible for the first time. Or maybe we just let fear have it's way - fear of failure or rejection. We're believing lies rather than His truth.

I still remember a time this past summer when I heard the news of someone dying. It was a friend of a friend of a friend. But, I had just spent a week or two at the Lakeland Revival. When I heard the news, without even thinking, my first response was let's pray for them to be raised from the dead! I was with a group of Christians and I suspect this thought didn't run through anther person's mind. But I had been immersed in this culture that was chasing after miracles such as these and there had been testimonies of people being raised from the dead. I think many of us in the church have, unfortunately, been surrounded by the exact opposite. I often wonder why I didn't expect miracles like this before, since they are all over the Bible. But I suppose I just trusted the one who was teaching me and neglected to challenge them with questions that now seem so obvious.

With that, here is an incredible story from Washington State: The Dead Raising Team. This team is actually liscensed by the state of WA and they have business cards in mortuaries. This is radical and so powerful, and I believe this should be the normal Christian life. So they are going after not only what we see Jesus model, but what we see Him instruct (Matthew 10:8).

Be encouraged and be stretched.

God Is Always Good.

2009-02-08T16:00:00.001-08:00

Christmas break was over. Early the next morning, I was headed to the airport to fly back to California. My mom tried her hardest to convince me to arrive at the airport more than an hour and a half before my departure time. I was not having it – "Absolutely not. In case you forgot, I've traveled quite a bit. I'm a pro at this routine. And it's the Greenville airport. How busy can they possibly be?"

Somewhat peremptory, I arrive no more than 50 minutes prior to the departure time. I insert my major credit card into the self check-in kiosk, and casually wait for my reservation to pop up on the screen. To my slight surprise it comes back "Reservation Not Found." OK, no worries, just try again. I receive the same message a second time. OK, now I'm a little concerned, but I'm a pretty laid back person, so I'll just talk to the counter agent. She'll fix everything. [Insert lesson number one: write down your conformation number (It's never important until you need it – profound I know).] The minutes pass by as I dig out my computer, power it up, connect to the internet and retrieve my conformation number. I give it to the counter agent and she begins to make phone calls to straighten things out. The hands on the clock are moving closer and closer to my departure time. Things are not looking good.

Finally she confirms the flight info and sends me running through the airport as they hold the plane for me. [Insert lesson number two: don't pack a lamp in your carry-on.] Security requires a search of my bag, which seemingly takes eons.... And I've now missed my flight – Thank you TSA. My parents are standing by, using every ounce of self-control to not say "we told you so." With my head down, trying not to feel defeated, I head back to the ticket counter so we can somehow find a way to get me from Greenville to Sacramento today.

I know you've learned two valuable lessons, but perhaps you're looking for the deeper meaning of this story. Here's the more. As the ticket agent searches every possible route and airline to get me to Sacramento, I catch myself thinking "What did I do wrong? I must have done something wrong to cause this dreadful situation. Is God mad at me? I should have prayed for so-and-so. I knew I should have talked to friends more about what God's been doing in my life. God must not be happy with me because I didn't spend enough time with Him over break. Maybe if I had done those things, this wouldn't be happening to me." YIKES!! Where did those thoughts come from?!? The really scary part is that most of what God's been showing me through school is that He is good all of the time. If I'm steeped in this realization of God's goodness, yet I still have these thoughts, how much more will someone who sees the Father as some angry person waiting to punish them when they mess up, think these things?

Do you ever catch these thoughts running through your head? What do you do with them? Do you reject them or do you let the circumstance dictate God's character. His nature is good. He can't not be good. And He's definitely not looking for ways to "punish" you or "teach you a lesson." That way of thinking is quite absurd. Yet I catch those thoughts in me. So when life comes at you do you cling to the truth - that He is a good Father that gives good gifts - or does your mind convince you otherwise?

He can't love you any more than He does. And it has nothing to do with what you do or do not do.

He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. - Zeph 3:17

What Am I Really Believing?

2009-02-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if we really believe the things we claim as truth. Example...Would you say the following statements are true?

God is good all the time and He's in a good mood.
My prayers are powerful and effective to bring change.
God heals all of our diseases.
I hear the Father's voice.
I am His son. I am His daughter.
We are spiritual beings and in a spiritual battle.
I am royalty.
God is my Provider.
God's love is a gift. I must do nothing, but receive it. It's not a love based on performance.
God is more interested in my relationship with Him than what I do for Him.

Now, would someone who looks at your life attest to your belief in these statements? Would you say your daily life and thoughts demonstrate that you truly believe these statements?

Too often we let our mind train our spirit, though it should be the reverse. How often does your personal experience, religious tradition or the cultural consensus stand above the Word of God? I'll be the first to admit that this happens all too often in my life. It is so incredibly vital that we don't allow our circumstances or personal experiences to dictate the truth of God's Word and promises. I can't stress this enough in my own life. Personally, I have to continually declare His promises when my experiences don't seem to line up with them. I must until it becomes a truth at my very core. And even then, I again, have to declare it.

For me, I would say I agree 100% with these statements. Yet I catch myself thinking or acting contrary to what they proclaim. In the next couple of blogs, I want to illustrate what this looks like in my life. And perhaps this series will expose ways you respond to situations counter to the truth.

I hope you stay tuned.

Finding Beauty in The Process

2009-01-21T18:35:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting in the LAX airport right now. I love airports….on most days. Today I love it because God is reminding me of where I was almost a year ago. I was on the World Race, and we were leaving Asia. We flew from the Philippines to Nicaragua, but this included a connection in LA. That was a semi difficult trip for me. We ended up staying in the States for 2 days due to confusion with dates and times. I must admit that I had a little anxiety about setting foot on US soil. There was a little culture shock mixed in with the fact that I didn’t feel ready to see a familiar place. It was only 2 days, but I didn’t want to slip back to where I was before the race. God was birthing things inside of me and changing me in so many ways, and entering the States didn’t feel safe. I wasn’t prepared for it. It felt like I was leaving the womb prematurely. In the end, I was fine. And when the race was over, God had truly made me ready to come home.

All of this reminiscing about where I was a year ago just launches me into adoration for God. Isn’t it so beautiful that He doesn’t leave us the way we are; He doesn’t just redeem us and leave us alone. He changes and transforms us. Just think about what has happened in the last year – How has He changed you? We are always in process on this wonderful journey. I just love it! Isn’t He so good?! He cares so much about us that He continues to take us to new places. He takes us deeper. He transforms us. He calls us closer.

Thank you God, that you are a God of transformation! Whatever journey He has you on today, I pray that you feel His arms surrounding you and that you know He has your good in His heart.

Welcome to My Journey

2009-01-11T14:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my new blog!! I'm going to try to be more consistent on this blog than on my last one.

Most of you know that last year (June '07 - May '08), I went on an incredible journey - the World Race. It was the absolute best year of my life - I highly recommend it to anyone! God turned my world upside down, as He gave me His heart for the nations and called me into intimacy with Him. My life fused with 26 others as we became a family, loved the nations, explored the world, and chased after the Creator and His Kingdom. Here's a glimpse of the ways God changed me. And this phenomenal video (masterfully made by Sean Smith) is a glimpse into the worlds we discovered and the people we encountered.

Preview- WR 2007-08 from Sean Smith on Vimeo.

I came home wrecked and looked to God for what was next. I had no direction initially and new I couldn't sit idle, so I decided to pursue Physician's Assistant school, as that was my plan before the World Race. Over the summer I visited Lakeland several times to check out what I had heard some call a revival...It was all new to me. While in Lakeland, God reminded me of my desire to go to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. Allison, Sean and I listened to the Bethel podcasts our entire time on the Race, and had become avid fans of Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton. I had also talked to God about going to Bethel in January '08 while in the Philippines, but decided to put it on hold, so that I could fully be in each place God had me while on the Race. With Bethel back on my heart, I applied to the school and was accepted, which leads us to now.

I am in Redding, CA at Bethel Church . I am undone with thankfulness that God has brought me here. He continually amazes me as He takes me to deeper places and gives me the desires of my heart. Bethel is the perfect place for me right now. While on the Race, my eyes were opened to so much, but I needed some time to solidify my identity in Him, adopt the supernatural as a lifestyle and, as always, go deeper in intimacy with Him. So now I am falling more in love with Jesus and being equipped to live according to God's Kingdom - on Earth as it is in Heaven.

The purpose of this blog is to share with you my experiences, the things I am learning and the goodness of God. I invite you to comment or personally dialogue with me on any post. I am honored to have you join me on this journey into the depths and truths of Christ.

I pray the Lord blesses you and the Holy Spirit gives you new revelations through the words you read. More than anything, I pray you fall more in love with Jesus!! Peace to your spirit.