Nana.

Today, I am thinking of...remembering...celebrating one of my absolute, favorite people in the world.  I remember her with endless gratitude and love, many smiles, and a few tears.

My Nana got to go home last week (Jan 26).  And by home, I mean she shot straight to Heaven!  She had been longing to be there for a while, so my heart is happy for her to be home.

There are many gorgeous things about my Nana.  

I'm quite sure that Nana loved me better than anyone in the world.

She loved me and believed in me.  

She gave me more than I will ever know.

I learned many things from her.  

I felt love surround me. I saw generosity and giving personified. I experienced the love of Jesus.  She trusted Him with the faith of a child.  

I have thousands of memories.  Here's a few....

I spent almost every summer of my life with her.  My parents would drop me off in the beautiful Sarasota, FL at the cusp of summer and there I lived for several months.  We swam, went on the boat, cooked, laughed, played poker for hours and hours, and did everything fun.  They took me on adventures all over.  We went on trips and cruises and to Disney World.  Life with them was a dream.

Nana loved me endlessly.  She tickled my back every night.  She'd cook a feast for us, all the time.  Once, she put sparklers on my birthday cake, nearly burning the dining room down in the process, but she wanted my cake to be the best.

My grandparents traveled all over the world.  Everywhere they went, Nana took pictures of people they met - at restaurants, people they stayed with, people who gave them directions, anyone!  She got their address.  Then, when she was back home, she mailed them a copy of the picture and a Bible in their language.  She always wanted to give people the Word of God.  Everywhere, she was always giving away Bibles.  Many people wrote back and some people they would even see again on a subsequent trip.  She had albums and albums filled with photos and letters of relationships that were created.  I used to be embarrassed of her always asking to take pictures, but now, I see how she loved.  A beautiful, beautiful legacy.

Nana taught me about healthy living.  We never had sugar when we were down there - nope!  no sugar!  No white sugar and no white flour.  We took shots of cod liver oil most nights.  We swallowed all our many vitamins.  We exercised.  We juiced carrots.  We could usually get Pappy to take us for ice cream, but we never had coke or candy bars.  My dad thinks I'm strange when I make my carrot and kale juice, I just think of Nana :)

Nana taught me more about Jesus than anyone.  She loved Him well.  She showed me what it is to trust Him for everything.  We always had our time with Jesus in the morning - reading and praying.  Her heart was after Him.  That may be the thing I am most grateful for - the foundation they gave me to stand on.  I only now realize that the land they built on and cultivated is what I receive as an inheritance.  I don't know if I can fully understand how her life - her obedience and sacrifice and prayers - has given me a place to stand and possess in the spirit.  I get to live her legacy.

I miss her.  I mourn not having her here, but I celebrate her life.  

Everyday, I will celebrate as my thoughts land on her and I smile...

~ I love that every time I walk into a health food store, I think of her. ~

~ I love that when I travel the world, I remember her. ~

~ I love that when I go shopping, I want her to come with me. ~

~ I love that when I have zucchini bread or carrot juice or buckwheat pancakes or rootbeer floats or cod liver oil or eat dates, she is close by. ~

~ I love that poker reminds me of the hours we spent around the card table.  Hours and hours of laughter and fun. ~

~ When I think of the most divine meals, they are the ones she prepared. ~

~ When I remember who tickled my back night after night, it is her. ~

~ I love that warm days on the boat with the wind in my hair, take me to memories of my grandparents. ~

~ I love that enjoying the finer things in life, brings thoughts of her. ~

~ I love that when I sit with Jesus in the morning, I remember that I did this first with Nana.  She was the first one to invite me in to Him. ~

{ So much of me is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. }

She gave much.  She loved well.

Love you forever Nana.

seeing with Heaven's eyes

I love when the Holy Spirit leads me to Caleb in the Bible - he's one of my favorites.  Caleb is described as an extraordinary spirit, and that just makes me jump on the inside.

Today, the Holy Spirit took me to Joshua 14.

I read 14:6-15.  It's rich in revelation.  One piece, specifically, hit me.

 verse 7:  Caleb speaking, it says "I was forty years old when Moses the servant of the Lord sent me from Kadesh Barnea to spy out the land, and I brought back word to him as it was in my heart."

   { as it was in my heart }

This phrase stands out to me.

Usually logic fights for the leading role.  Caleb chose differently and determined that his heart would lead him.  (Look back at Numbers 13-14.  The unfolding of events is shocking and tragic.  Most of the men who went to spy out the land saw giants.  Caleb and Joshua saw an exceedingly good inheritance that the Lord had given them to possess.)

This is what reverberates in my spirit:
Looking through man's eyes, one will see giants and defeat. Looking with Heaven's eyes, one sees an inheritance. An inheritance flowing with milk and honey and fruit. An exceedingly good land.

How I want to move and breath and see with the eyes of Heaven, all the time, all the way.  Heaven. come. down.

Resolve.

3 weeks and I start medical school.

That one sentence overwhelms me with excitement and anticipation. Simultaneously, those words give rise to what I consider a healthy fear.

The word fear incites negative emotion. And for the most part, I despise fear and want to kill it with everything in me. Though, when it moves you in the right direction, I think fear can be healthy.

My fear comes from understanding that medical school will require much from me; it will put demands on me that I will never meet; it will place before me an ocean of information that I will never adequately ingest; it will surround me with a culture that moves and breathes radically different than me. If I let it – if I’m not intentional - it will overtake me.

The conflict comes in this – I have spent the past 5 years of my life running after God with everything in me. I have pursued Him with steadfast and hunger. I have fallen in love. He is my One thing. – Med school threatens this.

Yet, it is only a threat. A threat is merely an indication or warning. It is not reality. So you see, fear can be good. It can alert you of threat and move you in the right direction.

Identified my fear - check. Acknowledged the threat - check. Now, I move in the right direction - YES.

I’m convinced that a necessarily essential characteristic in the Kingdom, or really any endeavor, is RESOLVE. To be resolute : set in purpose : determined : fixed : steadily directed : unwavering : firmly established.  Those I consider heroes, had to have maintained through resolve.

This is not easy. Culture beckons us 1,000 different directions, vying for our attention. If our internal culture is not firmly established, we will certainly become aligned with the external culture. Externals will make our decisions and dictate our lives. Without determined persistence, we become prisoners to busyness or the next deadline or expectations.

I don’t want that. I am after One thing and One thing alone. I am after God.

Thus, it’s absolutely critical to examine core values and to determine priorities.  I choose to protect my priorities. I choose to live my life from the inside; not to be moved by the outside.

This brings me to ask God for specifics - what does it look like for me to protect what He has founded in me over the past 5 years? What does this look like for me as I enter a world, that quite often, eats people alive.  What are the constructs that I must put in place to guard my One thing and build on this foundation? To ensure that I will not be moved. I will remain. I am resolute in my pursuit of God. I am after Him. I am single in focus. Nothing will steal me from my First Love. He is my One thing.

How do you persist in being after the heart of God, in spite of busyness and a culture counter to the Kingdom?? How do you protect communion with God as your priority?

the anatomy of culture shock.

And just like that, I’m back.  Back in the world of Starbuck’s, business suits and $400 purses.

Yesterday, I was in this completely other world.  I stepped into the time warp of airplane cabins and now, now…I’m here.

Three days ago, I was holding an HIV+ mom, sick with malaria.  

She curled up on my lap.  Seventy pounds.  Deprived of life.

And now, I’m in this unbelievably different world.  My spirit doesn't know how to cope.  I don’t think we were meant to experience such rapid and radical change in environment.  It throws my spirit out of alignment.  Way out.  This intense change = does not compute.

Today, I mostly just sat....staring.  Even effortless engagement with the TV was not happening.  I had to talk myself through the simple motions of doing most anything.  Spontaneous and uncontrolled sobbing occurred throughout the day - sandwiched with mindless eating out of the cereal box, and more staring.

Where did the bumpy, dirt roads go?  And the women, with capulanas tied around their waist, a baby strapped to their back and a load balanced on their heads?  And the children – where are they?  Babies sitting in the dirt with no pants.   School children running into the villages.  Roads lined with people walking and riding their bikes.  The bush - scattered with mud-walled, dirt-floor, one room houses.  Beautiful smiles against chocolate skin.  The vovos with their strong, yet worn exteriors.  People sitting on the side of the road, selling tangerines and bananas and sugar cane.  Where did it all go?  And how do I transition back?  I’m here, yet I’m not here.  I’m there, yet I’m not there.  How do I be here?

I don’t want to leave the house.  I don’t know where I’d go or what I’d do.  I want to talk to the people I love and miss, but I don’t know what to say.

More than anything, I don’t want to forget.  

I fear that the pictures and faces that flash through my mind and heart today will be swallowed up by the luxury and comfort of this new place; deadened by the busyness and pressures of here.

I need His strong arms to surround me.  That is the only thing that re-aligns my spirit.  He is the only thing.

This chaos leads me to one conclusion:  
I was not made for this world.  There is something more.

a visit to the bush

Today (now a couple weeks ago, in Mozambique), I went to a village in the bush.  One of the little boys, Santos, who has come to the clinic for several years did not show up yesterday.  Knowing the mom (Ma Santos) was sick, we decided to go and check on her.

We arrived to the very small, mud-brick house.  It was locked.  We walked down the path to where the rest of the family lives.  There, we found Santos.  He was absolutely precious.  I was shocked to find out he was 3 years old; he looked about 8 months old.  Many of the children suffer from terrible malnutrition causing them to be severely underweight.  He had a twin sister, but she died in her early months.  Life is filled with difficulty here.  The people are literally fighting for survival.  Because the little boy was malnourished during critical developmental years, he did not talk or walk.  But he sure was precious!  He just sat there on my lap, looking all around - completely unaware of what was going on around him; unaware of the fight for life in his family.  I so wanted to just take him home with me.  You would have loved him.

We were happy he was doing well.  However, we were still concerned about Ma Santos.  She is HIV+, and has been very sick.  After talking to the brother and mother, they took us to Ma Santos.  Her father is the pastor and the church was next door.   They led us into the church, which is barely a mud hut with several chairs.  This is where I met Ma Santos.  There she was, curled up on the dirt ground … maybe 75 pounds … frail … scarcely enough energy to lift herself … probably crying to God to save her and wondering who was going to take care of her children.  I cannot even imagine how sick she is, and there she lies on the dirt floor, in 90 degree weather, with nothing – fighting for life.  She, clearly, is at the end of herself.  She has nothing.  

The conversation continued.  The nurse I was with talked to the brother and sister.  Because she is sick, she is considered cursed.  Therefore her family rarely helps her.  This is compounded by the fact that she is a woman (who has been left by her husband).  Her brother was reluctant to care for the baby while she was in the hospital.  Finally he accepted.

I could only understand parts of the conversation.  The rest of the time, I tried not to get lost in my own thoughts.  And I fought really hard to hold back the tears.  But I just looked at Ma Santos.  She has nothing.  Literally lying on the ground dying.  We don’t even know what that is like.  I really have no context for this.  I’ve seen this to some extent before.  Shadowing in the clinic, I had heard stories all week, but when you’re there, when you’re encountering it face to face, it does something to you.  The reality hits you.

Finally, it was decided.  Her mom and sister-in-law took her outside, rinsed her with water and gave her new clothes.  Her sister-in-law literally carried her through the bush to the car.

We took her to the hospital and walked her in to the triage room.  She stayed at the hospital over the weekend.  Monday morning, we stopped in for a visit.  We found her in a small room shared with two other patients.  We gave the bread and bananas we brought.  She had a smile on her face and she seemed to have more energy.  It wasn’t visiting hours so the visit was short.  We prayed for healing and restoration.

I do not have a current update, but I am hopeful for life.  I will try to keep you posted.  In the meantime, please pray for the families here.  Pray that AIDS would be eradicated and that families would have work and money for food.  The people have lost many of their crops due to lack of rain this year.  As you thank God for your food, pray for food and provision for the people in Mozambique.

Sieze the day

I left northern VA this week.  As I piled things into my car, I found it hard to believe that my time there was over.  As is often the case, it was sooner than expected.

I thought about how many things I wanted to do, but didn't.  Dates with the girls.  Painting with Em.  Coffee with friends.  Museums.  Concerts.  Converstaions.  I found myself trying to jam things into the last 2 weeks.  All of a sudden I was making time for the things that I didn't have time for in the past 4 months.  It's funny how that happens.  Do you know what I mean?  Every time I leave somewhere, I'm aware of the things I didn't do....and now the chance is gone.

Life moves by so quickly.  We are busy people in America.  Many things compete for our attention.  I want to make time for the things that are important to me.  What if you were leaving your current location, relationships, etc soon, how would you live differently?

My ambition for 2012 is to sieze the day and grab the life out of every moment.

This is your assignment for today (you didn't know this would come with an assignement, did you?); do something new.  Do something you've never done.  Do the thing that you've been wanting to do, but for one reason or another haven't.  Call the person you've been meaning to call.  Have that conversation.  Do something you love.

sieze the day.

 I finally went to that restaurant with the girls that I have been wanting to try.

We all asked "why don't we do this more?"...

Purpose.

I realize that some would give a lot to be in my situation. Even still, there is some difficulty in waking up each morning with no prescribed or pre-defined purpose.

I don't have children; I don't have a job or school; I don't have a significant other. What do I pour myself into? What is my purpose?

Don't misunderstand me. I find plenty to keep me busy. I certainly have goals, intentional pursuits and investments. Yet, simultaneously, about once a week, I find myself feeling as though I lack purpose. No worry....I fully know this isn't true.

But strip away everything that occupies your time, energy, thoughts, money. Remove the things that possess your days and weekends. Get rid of obligations and unfulfilling committments. Take away the things that force you to get out of bed every morning....

Now, what is your purpose?

I'm learning that God, alone, is my purpose. When there is no one and nothing else; when life is in it's most distilled state, here, I find that He is my purpose. He is my one thing. Communion with the Trinity is my one pursuit. I am after that always.

I'm thankful for this season. And I'm grateful for the founding of this core belief. Because at some point, all the other things aren't going to be enough.

I Can't See 6 Inches In Front Of My Face.

I'm in a good place. Resting in His hands. I feel like I can't see 6 inches in front of my face. You know how when you are in a pitch black room and you can't see your hand when you hold it in front of your face. That is a simile of my life right now. The funny thing is I'm not afraid. I have no anxiety. I get my MCAT scores back in about 2 weeks. I feel like my life is somewhat on hold until then. I have no idea where I will be next month. There are things in my heart, but I don't know where I will be next month or next year. But it is good. Always good....

My hope is in Him. How sweet and how unbelievably soothing it is to know that my future is in the hands of someone who has my absolute best in mind. Someone who has not even the smallest trace of self in mind. Someone who can't lead me wrong...it's not even in His character or person. He can only do good. He only has good things. He only has the best. My future is not even that safe in my own hands. My thoughts are tainted with what I think is best or what I have been conditioned to expect. But He is just so good. Their are few words to describe how unconditional and perfect and kind and unselfish and pure He is. I rest in His goodness. That is where I find my peace. It is so peaceful and restful in His lap, with my future in His hands, not in mine. He is someone you can trust. For He is absolutely safe (not safe in a way that won't stretch or challenge you, but safe in that He always fights for your best - that's what is in His heart for you). The best parents in the world don't even have the capacity to be this good. I can't fully explain it, you have to experience Him in that way personally.

Ask Him to reveal His goodness, His kindness, the absolute way that He is for you.

The Process

I love the process....

The process is where I draw close to Him.
The process is where I listen for His voice, His whisper.
The process is where I lock my eyes into His.
The process is where He is taking me in.
The process is where I curl up on His lap.
The process is where I let Him love me more.
The process is where I am sensitive to His lead.
The process is where I rest in His presence.
The process is where I encounter His beauty.
The process is where I abandon all for more of Him.
The process is where I seek and know truth.
The process is where He covers me.
The process is where He carries me.
The process is where He is growing me.
The process is where He gives me keys.
The process is where I awaken and find His heart.
The process is where He is making me whole.
The process is where I step into my dreams.
The process is where I am fully me, abiding in Him - alive.

I love the process. It is beautiful. It is priceless. It is pregnant. It is perfect.

The process is me and Him.

2nd Year and Leadership

The 2nd year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry is quite different from the 1st year. There is, of course, still a supernatural focus - a focus on worship, on the miraculous, on hungering for God and seeking intimacy with the Holy Spirit all the days of your life. Yet, where 1st year stressed identity - knowing who I am in Christ, 2nd year stresses leadership. This year is quite stretching, but I am enjoying the journey. And I'm convinced this is where it becomes a reality. I'm all for dreaming, going after the miraculous and living in the Heavenly realms. But I am a very practical person. We have to learn how to be effective if we are going to change the world, disciple nations, give counsel to kings and leaders, build His Kingdom.

This year I've been learning how to prioritize, how to determine what to say yes or no to, how to juggle projects. The past couple months, I have often felt like I'm drowning. I feel like I am in survival mode; being ruled by my schedule and told what to do by this day's needs and urgencies. I despise the feeling of being bound to that which exerts the most pressure. But the Holy Spirit is so faithful. Through His guidance, I am learning how to rise above to manage myself and my priorities.

Our current school book, Developing the Leader Within You by John C. Maxwell, is complementing the things that God has been naturally teaching me. This book contains a wealth of information. Properly assimilated and applied to daily life, it will change the way you live. Since we are all leaders (because we all influence someone), I highly recommend the book, but until you make time to read it, chew on some key points from the first 2 chapters...

• Leadership is influence. Everyone is a leader because everyone influences someone.
  
• The issue is not whether you will influence someone, but what kind of influencer you will be.
• When the leader lacks confidence, the followers lack commitment.
• You can love people without leading them, but you cannot leaf people without loving them.
• A leader is great, not because of his or her power, but because of his or her ability to empower others.
  
• Thinking ahead & prioritizing responsibilities mark the major differences between a leader and a follower.
• The discipline to prioritize and the ability to work toward a stated goal are essential to a leader's success.
• The ability to juggle three or four high-priority projects successfully is a must for every leader.
• Ninety-five percent of achieving anything is knowing what you want.
  
• All true leaders have learned to say no to the good in order to say yes to the best.
• A violent demise comes by chasing small ends, by prostituting vast powers for insignificant goals.
• Under normal conditions, we are efficient (doing things right). When time pressure mounts or emergencies arise, we becom effective (doing the right things). Efficiency is the foundation for survival. Effectiveness is the foundation of success.