the anatomy of culture shock.

And just like that, I’m back.  Back in the world of Starbuck’s, business suits and $400 purses.

Yesterday, I was in this completely other world.  I stepped into the time warp of airplane cabins and now, now…I’m here.

Three days ago, I was holding an HIV+ mom, sick with malaria.  

She curled up on my lap.  Seventy pounds.  Deprived of life.

And now, I’m in this unbelievably different world.  My spirit doesn't know how to cope.  I don’t think we were meant to experience such rapid and radical change in environment.  It throws my spirit out of alignment.  Way out.  This intense change = does not compute.

Today, I mostly just sat....staring.  Even effortless engagement with the TV was not happening.  I had to talk myself through the simple motions of doing most anything.  Spontaneous and uncontrolled sobbing occurred throughout the day - sandwiched with mindless eating out of the cereal box, and more staring.

Where did the bumpy, dirt roads go?  And the women, with capulanas tied around their waist, a baby strapped to their back and a load balanced on their heads?  And the children – where are they?  Babies sitting in the dirt with no pants.   School children running into the villages.  Roads lined with people walking and riding their bikes.  The bush - scattered with mud-walled, dirt-floor, one room houses.  Beautiful smiles against chocolate skin.  The vovos with their strong, yet worn exteriors.  People sitting on the side of the road, selling tangerines and bananas and sugar cane.  Where did it all go?  And how do I transition back?  I’m here, yet I’m not here.  I’m there, yet I’m not there.  How do I be here?

I don’t want to leave the house.  I don’t know where I’d go or what I’d do.  I want to talk to the people I love and miss, but I don’t know what to say.

More than anything, I don’t want to forget.  

I fear that the pictures and faces that flash through my mind and heart today will be swallowed up by the luxury and comfort of this new place; deadened by the busyness and pressures of here.

I need His strong arms to surround me.  That is the only thing that re-aligns my spirit.  He is the only thing.

This chaos leads me to one conclusion:  
I was not made for this world.  There is something more.